Say ‘no’ compassionately and honestly
By Bonnie Mioduchoski
Some people have an easy time saying no. Others don’t. But how often do any of us say no honestly and with compassion? We may find an excuse or otherwise avoid saying ‘no’ directly. That can make a mess. Or we may say ‘no’ in a way that triggers a lot of pain for others.
How do we do it powerfully, honestly and compassionately? If we learn to say ‘no’ then people can trust our yes.
A woman, let’s call her Amy, in my empathy group struggled with a request from an acquaintance who was attracted to her romantically. This may not be something we all deal with often, but the steps are the same regardless of the nature of the request. The man asked Amy to visit him at his home for several weeks over the summer. She was not interested in being more than friends and did not want to visit.
While Amy role-played saying “No” I could see she struggled to say what prevented her from saying yes. She seemed worried he would take it as a rejection. She wanted to express her no with kindness. We can handle this directly and save ourselves and others pain with practice and some simple steps. We can’t prevent someone from having a reaction to our no. We can enter the conversation with clarity. We can focus on compassion. This helps us navigate the discussion as smoothly as possible.
I like how Kelly Bryson addresses the steps to saying ‘no’ in his book Don’t be Nice, Be Real. He suggests you offer empathy when you can and honesty when you can’t. Here are the steps to saying No:
- We (if we can; if not move to step two) empathize with the other person’s need. This can help, as Kelly says, “take the sting out of what the person could perceive as rejection.” We stay present to the need(s) and not on by whom or how it will get met. When you hear a request, do your eyes demonstrate that you’ve just been offered a gift? Amy might let herself feel this other person’s need for connection or intimacy and say, “Yeah, you really enjoy my company [connection, intimacy] and want to get to know me?”
- We uncover what need of ours prevents us from saying yes. This we can express as our honesty. Amy might have said, after taking in the request as a gift, “I’m a little nervous hearing that and a little sad because I wish I felt that kind of attraction and I don’t. I like to feel a certain chemistry before I date someone.”
- Make a request. Usually in this case it’s a connection request since we want to know how the person feels hearing what we’ve said or for them to tell us what they heard so we know if we’re being clear or not. So Amy might add, “How do you feel hearing that?” A further request for her, if she was interested in continuing as friends might be, “I’d like to keep that energy separate and be friends. How do you feel hearing that?”
Then it becomes a dance of empathy and honesty. Sometimes it’s enough to be met with empathy and compassion. Sometimes, if we have the space and desire, we can help the other person think of ways they could meet their need. It’s helpful to remember that we are a strategy to meet this other person’s need. But we are not the only strategy. Sometimes just remembering this helps me relax and feel more confident in saying no. If my focus is on connection, I’m often happy to help the person brainstorm ways to meet their needs.
For instance, someone I meet at an event asks me to coffee. Right now I want to focus on creativity (my writing), learning and sharing (my NVC workshops) and peace (through mindful schools). Rather than swim in the river of self-judgment (I’m so unkind – I “should” want to spend time with them knowing they’re lonely!) I can tell the person what needs I am prioritizing. Once we’ve both been heard, I might suggest they connect with someone who has moved to the area recently or I might suggest a group they might enjoy. When I’m connected to my needs I often feel more relaxed. When I’m disconnected or in turmoil about saying no, I might hear things like, “Geez, it’s just for an hour!” and find myself in “defensive” or “debate” mode.
We’d love to hear what you’ve learned about saying ‘no’ and hear about your struggles and/or successes!
